VIRGINITY
Yes, I'm going to talk about it. But who ever does? Outside of Breakfast Club, at least. Nobody. Ew.
Virginity. Virginity. Virginity. Get used to how it sounds. Get comfortable with your own. Get comfortable with your own lack of.
In the halls of high school, among the most judgmental spaces as well as some of the most fertile breeding grounds for rumors, sexual acts oneself has "accomplished" and having the scoop on those of others are treasured. I wanted to know why.
Perhaps what I was most curious about is why students would spread baseless lies or, if the gossip was grounded primarily in truth, how did it get out in the first place? Opening an ear to any hallway conversation would yield talk about sex and related acts. It's not taboo in conversation. When the acts truly occur, though, it suddenly becomes prized information–a secret–that people seek out.
After a great deal of thought, I grappled with encounters I've had with these kind of information tidbits about people's sex lives in addition to some of my own experiences. (Don't get your hopes up...my love life is staying off the internet!) I concluded that virginity was the pinnacle of sex secrets and that its significance stems from our own historical social constructions of its importance, however circular that seems. Knowing what we know about our experience with sex secrets, who's gotten with who and everything we don't want people to know about us, it is no wonder why there is a lot of confusion about sexual acts among teens. Even though we so treasure this information about others, I am rather convinced that it stems from our own insecurities and relative lack of experience. My suppositions were confirmed when I stumbled across a series that the Huffington Post published that included teens' questions and experiences with virginity–keeping it, losing it, and the positives/drawbacks to both options. I found one post by a 16-year old particularly telling:
"When I was 15, sex was mysterious, intriguing and terrifying. It wasn’t until months later when I figured out that I didn’t want to or have to want to have sex [...] Our views of sex are so misshapen by the plethora of opposing messages we see every day. Our parents tell us to not have sex. The media shows us teens have sex all the time, from casual hookups to committed couples. We are told to wait until marriage, but to be safe. We are told that we won’t fit in if we haven’t had sex by the end of high school. We assume so many of our peers are “sexually active,” as the adults call it, but how many of us are actually having sex?"
Virginity. Virginity. Virginity. Get used to how it sounds. Get comfortable with your own. Get comfortable with your own lack of.
In the halls of high school, among the most judgmental spaces as well as some of the most fertile breeding grounds for rumors, sexual acts oneself has "accomplished" and having the scoop on those of others are treasured. I wanted to know why.
Perhaps what I was most curious about is why students would spread baseless lies or, if the gossip was grounded primarily in truth, how did it get out in the first place? Opening an ear to any hallway conversation would yield talk about sex and related acts. It's not taboo in conversation. When the acts truly occur, though, it suddenly becomes prized information–a secret–that people seek out.
After a great deal of thought, I grappled with encounters I've had with these kind of information tidbits about people's sex lives in addition to some of my own experiences. (Don't get your hopes up...my love life is staying off the internet!) I concluded that virginity was the pinnacle of sex secrets and that its significance stems from our own historical social constructions of its importance, however circular that seems. Knowing what we know about our experience with sex secrets, who's gotten with who and everything we don't want people to know about us, it is no wonder why there is a lot of confusion about sexual acts among teens. Even though we so treasure this information about others, I am rather convinced that it stems from our own insecurities and relative lack of experience. My suppositions were confirmed when I stumbled across a series that the Huffington Post published that included teens' questions and experiences with virginity–keeping it, losing it, and the positives/drawbacks to both options. I found one post by a 16-year old particularly telling:"When I was 15, sex was mysterious, intriguing and terrifying. It wasn’t until months later when I figured out that I didn’t want to or have to want to have sex [...] Our views of sex are so misshapen by the plethora of opposing messages we see every day. Our parents tell us to not have sex. The media shows us teens have sex all the time, from casual hookups to committed couples. We are told to wait until marriage, but to be safe. We are told that we won’t fit in if we haven’t had sex by the end of high school. We assume so many of our peers are “sexually active,” as the adults call it, but how many of us are actually having sex?"
Various audiences each have part of the experience that they don't want you ti hear about. As the author of this post astutely alludes to is that for her parents, it's that sex is a reality of teenagehood. From the media, it's that not every teenager is hooking up consistently with people. Our peers don't want us to know this either. Conversely, our peers are some of the biggest critics about just how many people others are hooking up with. If it's a small number, you're desperate. If it's a higher number, somebody is termed a "slut." It's this ambiguity and differing opinions from the multiple influences in our lives that enshrines the construct of virginity in myth that actually has the potential to lead us into deep, murky water for our physical safety and/or emotional health.
Aaron--I am absolutely in love with this piece you wrote. Not only is the writing phenomenal, but the content is on point.
ReplyDeleteYou highlight a very important point: our personal lives should stay personal. Just the mere joke about you keeping your personal life off the internet is a great reminder that we're all human and our life choices don't need to be splattered across the front page.
Older generations tend to think our generation is "too loose," yet perhaps it's not our bodies we use too freely, but our words.
Great post, Aaron.
Aaron, I love this post.
ReplyDeleteIt got me thinking and I think what is most disturbing about the sex culture that is high school is that words like "slut" or "player" become identities for some kids. If I hear that a girl has been sleeping around and I don't know anything about her, yea, she's a slut to me. And it's sad, because quite frankly I just don't think that it's any of my business, but since I don't know anything else about her, I can't really help it. But, if, GOD FORBID, that girl chooses not to tell anyone about her sex life, she's a prude, which is almost as a bad as being a slut. Will we ever find a middle ground? Nope, so in my opinion, kids just shouldn't kiss and tell.